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Your Partner Doesn’t Want Kids But You Do? Let’s Talk!

by Antonia

We don’t think about these situations, until we find ourselves in it. Is it a deal breaker? What would you do?

I found myself watching a tv chat show, where this topic was mentioned. They had a guest appear on the show and she started off by saying she’s 40 years old and has a podcast speaking about women who don’t want children like herself. She just doesn’t see a child in her future and has no desire for that. She made it clear that she doesn’t want children and she sees her dog(s) as her kids in a way. She stumbled upon how her fiancé wants children.

He really wants kids but she has said it’s never gonna happen and she doesn’t want that. And what I had trouble figuring out is, how he engaged her? And they’re supposed to be getting married in the near future. When such a huge lifestyle choice isn’t the same. And her words that “she never wants children”. How can you then think, ‘this is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with’, when she doesn’t want the same things you want. Not everything should be the same in a relationship or marriage; of course not. But the fundamental things in life, you’re meant to be on the same page and share those same interests, like bringing a life into the world.

How much can an individual love you, if they don’t want to make a little version of both of you? It’s perfectly fine if both of you decide not to have children and it’s a mutual decision but how can you say vows, promising certain values to one another when really you’re on two completely separate pages? I think if you as a woman, don’t want to conceive, you really shouldn’t try to part someone of their wishes. Same goes for a man not wanting have children. As it just shows how selfish you are as a person. I’d feel so cruel marrying someone, knowing I’m not going to have children, and they want the total opposite.

What do you truly think his family think of you? Would you think that they’d honestly value you? Especially his mother? Most mothers want to see their offspring have children. If they don’t want to, you can’t force them to change their mind. But if your son does wish to have children and his fiancé doesn’t, do you geniunely think they’ll hold you in the highest regards? No.

If someone can’t have children due to health reasons and you do, that’s a different story. As it isn’t in their control, so if you wholeheartedly love them, it may not make a difference to your relationship/marriage. But if somebody is well enough, and they’re making a decision for the both of you, I think you should think very hard about your future, as breaking up with them may open up a entirely different door and world for you.

I remember when I was about 14+ up until the age of around 17-18. I always used to say I will never have children and don’t want to. I wanted to have my tubes tied so the chances are virtually impossible for it to happen. I was certain. My mum always used to say, I’ll change my mind when I get older. And guess what? I did. I met someone, I fell in love with them and genuinely thought I’d want to give them children one day if I’m lucky enough. As I know that’s what they’d want and also, they feeling for me changed and I actually would want to conceive in the future.

If you find out something early on, like such a big factor such as, you not sharing the same interest of having children, don’t hope that ‘they’ll change their mind’, or ‘you’ll be able to make them think the way you think’. NO. Don’t waste your time. You only live once, so who do you think you are to try and modify one’s desire? And the last thing that should ever go through your mind is to put a ring on that persons finger. What do you think the chances of that marriage not working out are? Pretty high. You will always have a certain amount of resent towards that person, and it won’t go away, it’ll only worsen.

Imagine someone trying to end your lineage. What would you do in that situation? How would you feel? Have you been in this situation or know someone in it? Comment below!

37 thoughts on “Your Partner Doesn’t Want Kids But You Do? Let’s Talk!”

    1. Ohh really? I imagine so! There are plenty more cons than pros being in that situation.
      Thankyouu for reading and commenting!
      Have a lovely day😊

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    1. Of course! I hate it when some guys think you’re ‘jumping the gun’ by speaking about these important topics! When shall we speak about them? At the altar?
      Also some people change their mind throughout the course of a relationship, so you must make sure you’re on the same page throughout!
      Thankyouu for reading and commenting!
      Have a lovely day😊

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  4. Hi Antonia! Great subject as always!
    I think you’re right. It’s a decision that should be made together. If they are on opposite ends of the issue how can the marriage work. Just an FYI on this. In my marriage we had two children. The she found out she had Lupus and was advised against having more children. As a result I decided to have a vasectomy to save her the trouble of having her tubes tied. I have regretted that decision in the years since. Now being in the situation I am in now being divorced I won’t be able to have children should things progress to where I re-marry again. I love kids! But it is something I won’t be able to offer her if she is set on having a child together. I have always told myself I could adopt if it came to that , but it’s not the same as creating a child from the love shared between you and the one you love. It is a regret that I can’t change, but if I could, I would in a heart beat. I really enjoy your topics! Please keep them coming!

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    1. Wow that’s extraordinary. It really does show the type of man you are though! Not a lot of men would do that so I do take my hat off to you for doing that for her! It’s so sad that after going through so much it ended up in divorce. It must be quite perplexing as a man since naturally, men can always have children whereas women can’t. You must’ve seen the marriage lasting the distance or else you wouldn’t have had the surgery. They always say you should never regret anything in life, but making such a huge life decision, for your ex’s benefit, it must be challenging not to regret it. Everything does happen for a reason and I’m sure the right woman might’ve already had her children and wish to have no more naturally anyway. I’ve heard that there’s a reverse vasectomy that some surgeons can do. I don’t know the ins and outs of it, but maybe that’s something you could enquire about if you really wish to!
      Don’t regret what you’ve done because it really is an astonishing trait of the incredible character you must be!
      Thankyouu so much for reading and commenting and sharing your insight!
      So so glad you enjoyed this topic!😃
      Have a lovely day😊

      Liked by 2 people

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      1. My biggest regret was not having a son of my own but. As to having a reversal… I would certainly be willing to do it, if having more children is what she wants also. If not I am okay with helping her to raise the two she has now, she has a daughter and a son, so either way I would be happy and fulfilled. Thanks for responding to my comment! As always I truly enjoy your points of view!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. At least you still have options! Nothings impossible. You sound like you have an amazing life anyway regardless of the decision you may make in the future!
        Thankyouu so much!
        Best wishes 😊

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      3. Just another quick note here. It is so much different as a person that’s been through raising kids once to go through it again. I remember the first time wishing to just get through it and survive it. To do it again would be so much easier as one has been through the fire so to speak and it’s just not that big of a deal as it seems when it’s the first time for everything.

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      4. I imagine so! You already know what to expect whereas when it was your first children you were going into unknown territory. And I assume you’d cherish certain moments even more, instead of having the survival mindset you had before. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision in the end😃
        Best wishes 😊

        Liked by 1 person

      5. That is a big commitment by a man and a caring one so the wife doesn’t spend many years subjecting her body to intrusive birth control. If the woman has had operations ( caesareans etc ) medically it is much safer for the chap to have a snip than for her to be sterilised.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Hi Antonia :
    Very thought provoking post as always. Definitely both people in a marriage should have the same view regarding children. This is one of the many important things that should be decided long before any wedding is planned.
    I am Catholic, and we believe that one of the purposes of getting married is to have children, if it is possible, and of course, it is not always possible. And now, as an old person, I cherish every memory of being a mom, and a grandmother.
    I wish you all the best, always. 🤗

    Liked by 3 people

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    1. I couldn’t agree more! It’s one of the fundamental decisions in life. How can you wish to spend the rest of your time with someone when that person doesn’t wish to have your baby (if they’re healthy enough of course). It’s quite absurd. But it shows situations like this so happen, I wonder how common it is🤔. Aww it must be wonderful cherishing all those beautiful moments!
      I wish you all the best too!
      Thankyouu for reading and commenting!
      Have a lovely day😊

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  6. Interesting post-Antonia. I enjoyed it. Kids are adorable, I love them so much. And from an African standpoint and as a Catholic, children are an important part of marriage when possible. They are the evidence or proof of the love shared between married couples. They make home lively and fun. And one can’t be talking about the family without a child. And in a circumstance where a partner doesn’t want them and one does, it becomes a big problem and as you rightly said, the likelihood of such marriage working is very tiny, it will likely end in divorce. The best option is to run. No one can change anyone in marriage so there should be no saying that he or she will change his or her mind after series of persuasion.
    Can’t imagine myself not having these treasures of mine because someone I call my love doesn’t want them. Not gonna happen.

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. You’re so right and I couldn’t agree more. Children are little versions of you and the person you love moulded into one. What’s a substitute for that? Nothing. I find it unbelievable and mind-boggling when people put themselves in these situations, and why would you engage someone who doesn’t share the fundamental things you want in life?
      It’s crazy! And I completely understand when you say from an African standpoint and from a catholic, children are like living proof of the love and commitment that you and your husband share.
      Thankyouu so much for reading and commenting!
      Have a lovely day😊

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  9. Agreed, Antonia. When you take the long-term (and, hopefully, permanent) step of marrying someone, how can you reconcile having opposite views on one of marriage’s most profound results?

    It’s possible you could change your spouse’s mind, but that’s awfully thin a reed on which to set a marriage. Even if he/she does “come around,” it surely will come with poorly-hidden resentment.

    It’s heartbreaking when someone you hope is your soulmate disagrees on so vital (as it were) an issue, but under those circumstances, maybe marriage isn’t such a good idea. That doesn’t mean you have to hate this person forever, but perhaps a lifelong friendship is more advisable.

    Sure, that’s what the brain says, but since when has the heart listened?

    Liked by 1 person

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  10. Don,t be fooled by the rhetoric. The ideology of Zero Population growth sprang out of the eastern seaboard colleges in the early 70’s. It is a socialist agenda to decrease population growth by whatever means necessary. To decrease consumption of natural resources. Abortion has been the flag ship of this armada. To deny ones life has its own abortion spiritually but as long as you can make money what the heck.

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    1. Same! I don’t think some people realise how significant marriage is until they get stuck in a marriage they don’t wanna be in! Marriage shouldn’t be rushed especially if the person doesn’t want the same fundamental things you do!
      Thankyouu so much for reading and commenting!
      Have a lovely day😊

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  15. I think most couples throughout history have drifted into marriage assuming that at some stage they will have children and modern marriage often comes after living together a good while then deciding it’s time to have children. Any person who really doesn’t ever want children would surely speak up. There is no shame in not wanting children and no shame in telling people you have both made that decision. Having children is a big unknown and could go horribly wrong with problems that tear a couple apart. Fortunately for most of us it’s the best thing ever! Nearly as big a decision is how many to have, a decision that will echo down the generations…

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. I completely hear you! And I guess in these situations, only time will tell. But the chances of it not working out are astronomically high! Many of the points you made are so valid and insightful!
      Thankyouu so much for reading and commenting!
      Have a lovely day 😊

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