Consent or Choice? The Difference Lies With You.

What happened to choice? You’re asked repeatedly throughout life whether you agree / consent to something. But who’s making the initial choice, why can’t it be me? And can you involuntarily consent?

This can cross over into many different aspects in life. Something as minor as a dental appointment or more meaningful like signing a legal contract or asking consent for intimacy. But what happened to my initial say, why am I expected to conform, making a decision off of the decision you’ve already made / constructed? You call that fair?

Quite recently for example, I had a bad experience at the dentist. Doesn’t everyone, I know. The lady – dentist repeatedly lied, did her own thing and in the end I got dental work done which I didn’t need to, due to her dishonesty, withholding the truth, facts and reality. Purely for her wanting monetary gain, disregarding my complaints and rights. Did you ask whether I’m okay with injections? Nope, but I spotted it on your table ready to be used and I repeated in a previous appointment that I don’t accept anaesthetic, prior. Should I have to look at what you’re doing with a beady eye incase you drug me unknowingly? No. That my dear, is involuntary consent.

Long story short, the manager said to me, “But did you say no? Did you hold your hand up?”. The belligerent, defensive, abrupt attitude didn’t sit well with me. The response reminded me of when people blame victims in a variety of circumstances. The question should be, did I say yes? And did your dentist lie? I may say no with a different gesture than putting my hand up but again, I’d have to play into what actions you differentiate and your portrayal in what you believe is the right way. Who creates this narrative, your god complex? If this is your behaviour as manager, I’m sure you can see the issue I had with the dentist.

It’s a common occurrence for people to attempt to speak for your actions, thoughts and most importantly, you. When you explain your mindset and thought process, how can another human being, account for your independent thoughts, feelings and wants? Categorising that as the right or wrong way to react and respond, whether that be with words or mannerisms. If you don’t know me, the only way you’d know is by listening to what I say, correct? If there’s a barrier or lack of understanding and I need to start manipulating my response to fit your outlook in life, that isn’t consent. Influencing another human being’s choice, is never an independent, organic choice. It fits your vision and ideology to which I should conform to. If that’s not a power trip, I don’t know what is.

Let’s touch upon the sensitive topic regarding sexual assault and rape. The question shouldn’t ever be ‘but did you want it? Did you say yes? Did you say no? Push him off?’ It should be, ‘how did you feel? What was your outlook and choice?’ It takes two to tango, so it should be two entirely independent choices. Not one asking the other to say yes, with an undertone of pressure / expectation.

The word ‘consent’ means you’re already reading into a third party’s choice, and making your decision off of their choice. Choice is an equal, two way street. Consent isn’t, it’s an agreement or disagreement to the choice that another party made.

‘Can I stroke your leg?’ for example. When are you making the choices and initiating the consent? As we’ve become prone to thinking replying yes and no is the equivalent to choice.

Today, you almost feel like an outcast or outspoken for using your voice, unfiltered. Or stating how you feel, unsolicited. Like a black sheep. We may have a tendency to put other peoples feelings above ours, in turn respecting their choices, at our expense. Life is short, be true and authentic to yourself respectfully. After all, did I consent to you questioning my choices?

What do you think? Do you think choice is underrated? Or do you see consent being the equivalent to choice? Comment below!