Smile Though Your Heart Is Aching | Mental Health Awareness Week.

Happiness, how is that measured? How can we tell emotions apart? I need to cry to display sadness, right? (trigger warning)

I look back at all my childhood photos. Having trouble pinpointing when the change happened. As all I see is the picture of happiness, or what I depict that to be. But away from the camera lens and onlooking eyes, the smile disappears, as my reflection glares from the cold stainless silver blade, which is the only thing that knows me inside out. Peace comes upon me, carving shapes one line at a time. They do say let your imagination run wild. My interpretation of playtime may differ from yours slightly.

Scream, but I’m unable to. My vocal chords coincidentally refuse to work. Who would listen? As my smile speaks volumes. The youngest, capturing a room with a natural iridescent spark. I already know I’ve been typecast. Seeking attention or seeking help? The two look very similar. One’s scarred, the other isn’t.

Quietly analysing and comparing everyone’s life to mine. You’re faced with reality everyday, until the bathroom door closes, it’s your escape. Your world. The type of TLC you can’t buy or involve others in.

School; the picture perfect families you’re forced to confront. Back home, the knocks at the front door from their half are answered. Trips out with their paternal blood, what about mine? Standing at the top of a staircase, I witness a live-action fairytale being played out. I separately await the cinema, to seemingly preoccupy my mind with moving graphics and popcorn. You’ve mistaken me for a VHS tape you can manipulate. What’s this grand gesture in aid of? Guilt, the void that cannot be filled.

Driving, to escape the reality I’ve witnessed. As I look out my window, raindrops rolling down, hindering my visions clarity. Wipers manually switched off. Why would you rather crash?

You’ve known the route all along.

Never forget to check in with your loved ones, a small gesture can change a life.

If you’re ever in a crisis, don’t suffer in silence.

• Samaritans. To talk about anything that is upsetting you, you can contact Samaritans 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. You can call 116 123 (free from any phone), email jo@samaritans.org or visit some branches in person. You can also call the Samaritans Welsh Language Line on 0808 164 0123 (7pm–11pm every day).
• SANEline. If you’re experiencing a mental health problem or supporting someone else, you can call SANEline on 0300 304 7000 (4.30pm–10.30pm every day).
• National Suicide Prevention Helpline UK. Offers a supportive listening service to anyone with thoughts of suicide. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Helpline UK on 0800 689 5652 (6pm to midnight every day).
• Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM). You can call the CALM on 0800 58 58 58 (5pm–midnight every day) if you are struggling and need to talk. Or if you prefer not to speak on the phone, you could try the CALM webchat service.
• Shout. If you would prefer not to talk but want some mental health support, you could text SHOUT to 85258. Shout offers a confidential 24/7 text service providing support if you are in crisis and need immediate help.
• The Mix. If you’re under 25, you can call The Mix on 0808 808 4994 (3pm–midnight every day), request support by email using this form on The Mix website or use their crisis text messenger service.