For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part; starting out life on a lie? Is this when I say, “I do”?
It’s the unfortunate truth. Many can’t wait for the picture-perfect flowers, veil, white dress and honeymoon. But what does getting married actually mean today?
It’s a Pinterest mood-board played out in reality. The eye orgasmic day for all to see, an indulgent spectacle for self and societal gratification. But the focal point of making lifelong vows to your spouse, is skimmed over. It’s scrapped from even making the rehearsals! Just nod and say I do a few times and it’ll be over before you know it. Or make your own speech, a modern twist on traditionalism. Does this set the tone in rocketing divorce rates?
Legally in the UK, the minimum legal requirement is to say declaratory and contracting words. For example,
‘I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawful impediment why I (full names) may not be joined in matrimony to (full names)’
I call upon these persons here present to witness that I (full names) do take thee (full names) to be my lawful wedded wife/husband.
Yes, it’s that simple. Too simple. Lifelong promises and vows are deemed unnecessary. Unless you practice religious traditions, a large fraction of the population exercise this passive, happy-go-lucky right. Why, you may ask? It’s the easiest option; out of sight out of mind. Whereas I think the magnitude of the situation would dawn on them, creating more fear, worry, unsettlement, hesitancy and all round complacency at what they’re actually entering into, contractually and psychologically. But if you have full understanding of what marriage is about, why dilute wedding vows?
In my opinion, far too many see marriage as a natural next step from a relationship. It’s much more than that. In many ways you’re entering an entirely different commitment than a relationship. Essentially it’s a business contract that you vow to spend and share the rest of your life with your partner. You come into the world alone (with the exception of parents), but now you’re adapting and obliging to depart this world conjoined with another. It’s not natural practice, it’s what we’ve mentally become accustomed with, opting to subscribe to the theory of what’s expected to complete us. Traditional vows make that a reality for a colossal proportion in younger generations, who may seem short-sighted; withholding a dramatically short attention span; mental incapacity and incompetent to an extent to even comprehend the contractual bond they sign, naively.
The restrictions marriage comes with is not productive furthermore, poorly aligned with modern ideology and should not be wrongly interpreted as such. Marriage is a symbolic extension of your character, being and life.
The modern, defunct, assassination of traditionalism whilst contrarily welcoming aspects to suit your depiction has high risk of failure. Controlling the narrative is not what this sacred union is for. I’ve seen many do and behave as they please whilst sternly refusing to compromise, displaying signs of emotional vacancy / immaturity or simply have their life structured for just themselves. Whilst bearing a dream or hope of marriage. Marriage isn’t going to change or make you have a character rebirth. If anything it will intensify the instability you may already behold.
A pipe dream where marriage excitement, living in each others pockets, intensely in love and everything just falls into place is unrealistic. Marriage takes an indescribable amount of work, time, listening, understanding and learning that life will never be as you know it again. It can be quite a stark adjustment for some, which is why actions are one of the only signs that display whether someone is at that stage or not prior to commitment.
Reliability in sickness, financial turns, good times and bad is immensely important. As how can you trust someone choosing to be there for life? And there’s a vast difference between choice and obligation.
With the right person, marriage can be a team and an accomplishment like no other. With the wrong person, it can feel like pressure cooker entrapped by a welded lid. Wedding vows are the first step to outlining how you envision your shared life to be. A partnership through anything that comes your way. If it’s too intense, real, obscene or outdated, rethink whether you agree with what the concept of marriage truly means.
The vows are just a taster of what’s to come. It’s the easy part.
For me, if speaking these traditional vows into existence is a problem to a future spouse, I’d question the legitimacy and practicality of their definition of marriage. Whitewash your walls, not the framework for your marriage.
What do you think? Do you believe in traditional vows? Are they outdated? Do people take marriage seriously? Have you lived through experiences? Comment below!
Beauty File 
This is a hot topic for me, Antonia. I have been in three marriages and have been single since 2016 and will never marry again. Marriage made me feel trapped, trapped by a piece of paper locked in a safe.
Money and other issues destabilised the marriage. Never again. I can see why there are fewer marriages today with our divorce rate at 51% or more today. I’ve read that the birth rate is declining over here too. Sad…
LikeLiked by 2 people
Marriage is a selective entrapment which I think many don’t realise may not suit everyone. Having someone to answer to, regarding whereabouts, money, relationships even etc.
They do say money makes the world go round, so I can see how the struggles, strain and discomfort that can also bring in a marriage, especially if one chooses to spend money how they see fit whilst priorities like bills etc is last on the list. That’s just asking for a misalignment and never ending disputes. After all, you can’t order or teach an adult what to do with their money, which can build resentment if you’re meant to be a joint entity with entirely different visions. Plus it’s no longer their money anymore, it’s yours if they’re financially wild with their expenditure. You’ve basically chosen to clip your wings, with the hope your spouse that your spouse will have your back no matter what. It’s impossible to know for sure how another human being will be in wedlock as there’s no trial run in this quest. But it’s all about if your partner is dependable through anything and if you actually want to share your life. It’s a two way street and when one doesn’t want to put the work in, the marriage won’t maintain itself. The wedding vows and certificate is the easy part. To an extent it’s a game of chance, as you’re entering into the unknown. It can either be the making of you or annihilate you. You never hear of marriages just being ‘ok’. The nitty gritty that evolves over time is far from easy, you either choose to work through them together or rather do life alone. And living the rest of life without a partner takes a certain level of confidence and strength which is admirable in its own right.
If only life were easy eh!😃 Not all marriages are bad though haha!
Thankyou so much for sharing your insight, John!🤗🤍
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are exactly right on so many points, Antonia! I like your perspective on marriage called Selective Entrapment. I never thought of marriage that way but it is exactly correct. Apparently, I am more confident than I thought! Doing life alone has been difficult but I will always remember the difficulties of those marriages. I screwed up so badly but so did the other person. Life is so much simpler to live as a single man. Or woman I’m sure. 😎
LikeLiked by 2 people
Aww I’m so glad to hear!! Life is for living after all. With or without a partner, live is short. Learning about yourself and what completes you is key to fulfilment and happiness! Everyone makes mistakes, but those moments have led you to your golden years. You can’t change the past and equally you wouldn’t change the here and now, which the past led you to!😃
LikeLike
Boy!!!
Where to begin with this topic???😲😬🤐🤯🥶🥶
Unless ones been married and DIVORCED, they really have no idea how difficult either is to do!! But I still believe in it’s validity. The guilt one feels after admitting to ones self that you’ve failed in your attempt to keep vows that carry a very heavy weight not only to yourself but to the extended family and yes even friends! Would I do it again? Perhaps I might…🤔 But… unless you’re certain that the one you choose to spend that life with is absolutely no question in your mind forever more the ONE?? Take more time to consider the commitment!!! You never really know what the other person will be like until you’ve been through a hard tribulation together! Can you live with their never ending quirks that drive you nuts. Or that they would rather shutdown than have the hard discussions about what’s really bothering them and why unless it’s resolved you will be carrying that anger and feeling of resentment along with you until one day you just can’t bear it any longer. Then you shut down and walk away disappointed in your choice of the person you made those vows to and to yourself for not seeing them as they truly are without the veneer of an altogether I can handle anything person you thought you would marry.
So… yes I am speaking about myself. After all of the angst and self hating for being a failure, I actually thought I would find someone that was all of the things I wanted and not any of the things I had dealt with. But alas, I was once again fooled by someone this time that could not or would not make the same effort or attempt to free themselves of the issues they were having a hard time accepting in their life partner choice. So here I am again alone and disillusioned. So maybe it’s just me?? 😬🥶🤔But, I refuse to continue down that path anymore. I hope that person of whom I refer can and will see someday that it wasn’t just me. It takes two committed and dedicated people to make a marriage or even a long term friendship or relationship work. So take more time is my advice to anyone in any type of relationship before you commit.
Thanks for the opportunity to opine on this subject!😊 It was somewhat cathartic!!😂😂😂Have an unbelievably great day!!🤠
LikeLiked by 2 people
I agree, you never know what being a divorcee is like until you’ve experienced it first hand. I do imagine the judgement and shame almost having to relay that the marriage you once showed off on your wedding day did not work out, over and over again. It’s like a death you’ll continue to live through, due to the divorce decree of absolute. Whether you remarry, you must relay that. Whether you pass away, ex spouse(s) could still come out of the woodwork. And if children resulted from the partnership, a permanent living memory that supersedes any paperwork of closure.
Statistics pertaining second marriages and so forth are very interesting. It’s clear that it does significantly change your outlook due to the scarring experiences you’ve lived through, no matter who was at fault.
100%. Far too many think marriage is blissfully lovey dovey and I’d say that’s where commitment is ever so important, probably more so than love. The practicality that comes with commitment will be the driving force that will keep the marriage together beyond the many things and quirks that might drive you absolutely insane. In those moments, people question what drove them into this situation, then often compare that to a fleeting feeling another may make us feel. Acknowledgment, excitement, or simply feeling seen. People that marry for desire, usually that flame burns out at times, then wonder what more remains for them in this union.
Marriage is two-way, and if your spouse wants out, there’s not much that you can do. One may have taken the vows more literally than the other.
Nothing worse than if someone can go to bed angry when the other prefers to positively move forward before bed.
As that can get tiresome in the long run.
Shutdowns are never good! Talking and actually listening is immensely underrated as people have no self reflection. The simple art of conversation can make or break a relationship.
Maturity or lack of is often a reason why people are incompatible, in relationships or marriage.
You’re most definitely not a failure, we all believe in love, if we get burnt or let down that isn’t our failure, as a good heart will always remain and is seemingly never out of fashion. It just takes one.
It’s not just you, it’s hard to find genuine people that actually want the same things and treat you right. They all read it off a script, but in time you see in actions that they aren’t what they described themselves to be.
It does take too, after all it’s a partnership! Time can be the simplest thing someone can give you. If they can’t give you that their definition of love will never be enough. That goes for any type of relationship!
Aww thankyouu so much too! Your honest knowledge is enlightening!🤗🤍
LikeLiked by 1 person
I want to finish my thought from earlier this week. It should have been completed with “Or change the situation” No one should have to bear that loneliness of an absent partner. I hope this clarifies my thought. I was interrupted as I was writing. My apolofies.
LikeLike
Perhaps just another thought while I’m here. Don’t be a lonely heart that uses someone else to fill that hole in your life until the husband get’s home from a business trip to Boston or wherever. It’s easier on everyone if you just bear the loneliness.
LikeLike
love it!
“With the right person, marriage can be a team and an accomplishment like no other. With the wrong person, it can feel like pressure cooker entrapped by a welded lid. ” hell to the yes” lol💓
LikeLiked by 2 people
My second divorce was certainly in a welded shut pressure cooker… You reach a point that you know that you must get out even though it’s of course going to cost you money, and others in different ways, think children. It’s just not worth it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That must’ve felt extremely hard. Sometimes the right decision is the most difficult to reach.
LikeLike
Indeed!
LikeLike
Hehe aw so glad you enjoyed reading this, Cindy!!🤗🤍
LikeLike
2 humble and responsible partners, its a simple game. 2 warmongers narcisists ( diva vs warrior) its a mess.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Teamwork isn’t a phrase commonly understood by narcissists, yet when a divorce is imminent or among them there’s only one to blame for the lack of ‘teamwork’. The opposing party of course! I think a psychological assessment is needed before marrying a potential narsissist, so at least you foresee the marital car crash you’re signing up to. Air bags at the ready!
Thankyou so much for such great insight!😃🤍
LikeLike
Those traditional wedding vows beautifully expressed in the Anglican Book of Common Prayer do not align with the values of contemporary society today.
They were written when people believed God was unchangeable (“Jesus Christ the same yesterday today and forever”).
Today people imagine themselves to be their own gods and follow the Hegelian maxim that truth changes with each generation.
So they write their own wedding vows.
Gone is the sense of permanence.
Since nothing seems to be permanent anymore.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s so sad that traditional vows don’t align with the ill-judged values today. At least then you knew what exactly you were signing up to without sugar-coating the most important vows you’ll ever make.
I entirely agree with you. Many possess a god-complex where they can make up their own rules regarding practically anything. Having no limits or boundaries is exceedingly dangerous, especially when contractually bound to another human being. You don’t refer to a handbook or advice, as you are the handbook. You’ve created your own manuscript. The false sense of superiority is not suited to marriage. It’s not a concept you can or should practice your ideology on, as realistically divorce isn’t really meant to be an option. So there’s no trial run.
I think a marriage certificate should be harder to obtain. Prior, you should have to undergo some kind of evaluation to confirm compatibility and mental stability in relation to many possible scenarios. I’m sure many partnerships would crack before even making it to the altar. Saving the emotional and financial trauma of divorce in the long-run.
Thankyouu so much for sharing your honest and accurate wisdom as always!!😃🤍
LikeLiked by 1 person
Marriage in the 21st Century has changed since 1990. During the time that I was married, my ex wife cheated on me with another man. She destroyed our marriage because on Thanksgiving Day of 1989, She told me in my face that she did not love me. I will admit that I cried for a long time because it was my first marriage. I was 25 and my ex wife was 36 years old. My ex wife is involved in a domestic partnership with her boyfriend. At first, I thought that she was pregnant by me, so I decided to come back home to find out that she lied about being pregnant. I do not resent her in any way, it just that she did it to herself. I know that I was good to her and her son at the time. I have made a lot of sacrifices just to keep her around. On June 1, 1990, I moved on from her because I had to pay some money just to dissolve my marriage with her.
Finally, she cheated on me with another man because she was frigid!! I guess since she scammed me out of $4,000 dollars in rent and utilities for our apartment. I have decided to remain by myself because I got scammed out of $22,550 dollars by women that did not care about me in the first place. My ex wife was never loyal to me because she had her eyes on another man. My ex wife was frigid because of physical issues that she has been dealing with for a number of years prior to our marriage. It has taken me 14 years to forgive her as a person because she was a Crack Head!! She is still a harlot!! I am most certain that whoever is reading this response knows what a harlot is right now. I have managed to move forward from her and she is an Escort right now. According to her family members, they do not speak to her anymore because of her chosen lifestyle. She obviously belongs to the World!! I cannot save someone who refuses to be saved!! This is a fact of life because God has extended His hand to the Israelites and they did not acknowledge Him.
In Conclusion, it varies according to the individual who you are dealing with. Another thing is that you cannot turn a harlot to a housewife!! I am keeping it real because people choose not to deal with a real person. I think that Marriage Vows are Obsolete because men and women are making a choice to engage in a risky lifestyle that is very dangerous for other people as well as themselves. Thanking you for reading my response to Are Marriage Vows Obsolete? It varies according to the individuals themselves.
LikeLike
i think we as people have evolved to the point where what was traditional feels outdated. this is a serious transaction and agreement, i agree. we probably can take things into consideration as men and women in our roles that our forebears couldn’t or wouldn’t before going forward. if we do it with the intention of a long term bond, then don’t you want to investigate it’s viability? the way you would with any investment. we need not enter into anything nearly blind and half crippled by convention anymore.
provocative and insightful, thanks!
LikeLike
Really interesting article. From the vantage point of 33 years married and counting, the only thing I
LikeLiked by 1 person
From the vantage point of 33 years of marriage I found this article fairly spot on in many ways. The only thing I can disagree with, and this is purely from personal experience, is the fact that I have changed utterly since I got married. Of course, you do change over the course of 3 decades or more, but anyone who knew me before 1990 would not recognise the person I have become. I have become more loving and loved, more supportive and supported and very much happier because I followed our vows through the difficult times. I know marriage isn’t for everyone, but I feel that if you are largely compatible, live together first (if your culture/religion allows you to) and that both of you commit to putting the relationship of two people first over and above the individual, then it is still a chance to blossom as people.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m so glad to hear you enjoyed reading this, David! 33 years of marriage, aww it’s amazing hearing success stories! There’s so much focus on when marriage dissolves or doesn’t work out, but it’s important to still have faith and follow what’s right for you.
100%, it’s important and fundamental to grow together and not separately. I always believe it’s an easy cop-out when people say, we just grew apart. There are generally other deep-rooted issues/reasons why you’re both leading independent, freestanding lives. Growing together takes a lot of compromise and communication so you’re always checking in on the same page, not entirely different chapters.
That’s so interesting and wonderful! You know you’re in the right partnership when it’s made you emotionally more secure and content than you could’ve dreamed of. The difficult times are there to test you, but they don’t last forever. It’s having the willpower, hunger and patience to follow your vows through until the very end. Your words of wisdom have given us all a glimmer of hope and you’re so right. It’s largely comes down to compatibility, balance, patience and above all not even contemplate giving up. Even if they leave their towels all over the bathroom floor!
Aw thankyouu so much for your insightful, first hand experience; I’ve learnt so much! Roll on 34 years of marriage for you and yours David! Happiness and togetherness is key😃🤍
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for your lovely words. I have been lucky to have found such a fantastic partner. It’s used to be me who left my towel on the floor but I don’t anymore! 🤣🤣
LikeLiked by 1 person
I learned watching my parents..it’s not always smooth sailing, all the way to now, I think 75th anniversary best friends….my wife and I, 38 years….I’ve seen so many friends just walk away at the first hint of something…..I always want to ask if they remember why they said I do in the first place….we support each other when needed, yes it hasn’t always been a bed of roses, but comfortable…cannot imagine where I’d be now if I hadn’t asked, and then said I do…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow! Aww so many decades, simply remarkable🥹. Most definitely, it’s about the commitment. If you don’t like working through tough times or don’t have the staying power in general, marriage would be entirely foreign. I think also what people fail to recognise is that marriage doesn’t suit everyone. That’s also okay, but those doubts should be answered and recognised prior to making a vow to another.
Aww I’m so happy to hear marriage has positively worked for you as it. It can be the most testing but equally rewarding aspects in life!
Thankyouu ever so much for sharing, Warren!😃🤍
LikeLike
My parents were married for 39 years, falling a few months short of four decades only by my father’s passing. As an adult, I see that while their marriage wasn’t perfect, they had life-long love and created 3 well sorted out children and me lol
My views differ a bit though. I feel if I say to my partner, “I want to be with you for the rest of my life,” my word is my commitment to them. If they require marriage to believe me, then there are root-level trust issues that’ll lead to your glorious pressure cooker bomb analogy.
Conversely, if my partner is one for ceremony and extrovertave celebration, then I would indulge them in their desires for their day out of love.
I view it as a situational thing with no correct answer. Ultimately, one should choose what makes them happy. I do not believe in doing things because “that’s what people do”. Your heart will tell you if it’s right!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Wow 39 years, simply incredible. So sorry to hear about your father’s passing, that must’ve been a difficult time; memories last a lifetime thankfully, whilst coming together with your support system🙏.
Nothing worth doing is ever easy or perfect, that’s what makes it ever so rewarding when a marriage is able to work through the highs and lows and most importantly stand by their vows if you’re able to.
That’s really interesting! I think marriage means different things to different people. It can be due to tradition, culture, religion and many other reasons that make the marital union all the more significant. I recognise today some may see it as paperwork, but others may interpret it as much more than that especially if they envision raising a family. You may have a preference to raise a family in wedlock or not be opposed to it. Some might say children are an even bigger commitment than marriage. There’s not a right answer as it’s entirely dependent on the individual and couple. Understanding your own desires and ideals can lead to a more fulfilling life whether that’s married or unmarried. Following your own gut and beliefs should be priority as you never want to have regrets do you.
Most definitely, happiness is key however that may look like! Life is short after all, finding love can change your life in more ways than one. Having faith in that leads to your destiny, or so I like to believe hehe.
Thankyouu so much for sharing your incredible insight!🤗🤍
LikeLiked by 1 person
This topic got my heart racing so fast, Antonia. I am married and I would say it’s been good but sometimes it feels like a Good Big Trap. My mother would always say then,” marriage is like Tom Tom🍬, sometimes it’s cool and sometimes it’s hot, you just need to find the balance”. He is a good man but sometimes I just want to run away for months🤣🤣🤣. I hope I find the balance though
LikeLike
I’m 45 now, and I can’t ever remember imagining my life without being married eventually (still could happen), but I have only ever had only one girlfriend, who I got engaged to, but it didn’t work out, and she moved back outta state to be near her twin sister. I’ve been extremely fortunate though, see, I’m the oldest of four siblings all three got married and have children, for the most part, they’re happily raising their own families the way my parents raised us. Which I’m so thankful for. I honestly don’t think I have ever seen or known of my parents fighting/arguing angrily/madly, they sometimes will have little disagreements that I would consider their form of “arguing” but it never lasts long at all, and always ends with them laughing at the “silly” “snarky” type of thing they were bothering one or the other about. I honestly feel that even though myself and one of my brothers have some mental health issues, I couldn’t have chosen more perfect parents for myself if I wanted to. I think being raised the way I was, and I’m so grateful for my parents (yeah they’re married) doing so, that I have a desire to marry, when/if the good Lord brings someone into my life who I share a mutual respect for and attraction to. Also, I have learned as most people do, that physical beauty is fleeting, and one’s character dramatically, in my case, can dramatically change my perception of their physical attractiveness. So, nowadays I don’t always keep a sharp eye out for a gorgeous gal, necessarily, but I try to observe how a woman treats others, their personality traits, and for me, their faith in Jesus Christ. Which for me, of course a couple should be attracted to each other physically, but because it’s in the eye of the beholder, so many other things contribute to the beauty, or detract there from. Interesting post! I didn’t read all the comments, so maybe I said something someone else said. But I just thought I’d share my experience with my married parents and siblings. ✌️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dating/courting is tough nowadays isn’t it? When you meet the right person, you’ll both know and it’ll evolve from there into something magical.
Aww your childhood sounds remarkably balanced and wholesome, great foundations to have and a solid blueprint for a successful long-lasting marriage, as they’re so few and far between unfortunately today; you experiencing how your parents interact and how their love for one another still remains, just shows that love wins. It gives us all hope!
Character is so important, possibly more than physical beauty as their character portrays how they will treat you and family, looks can only get so far especially in the hard times.
Thankyouu so much Casey, for sharing your honest insight and wisdom! And so glad you enjoyed reading this post!!😃🤍
LikeLike