The rest of your lives begin with two words, I do. For better for worse – hey, at least the only way is up from here, right? Honeymoon could be a visitation pass?
Oh boy. There’s us thinking our lives are hard. You hear people say it’s hard to meet people nowadays, good people. Dependent on preferences whether that be cultural, profession, religious, marital status, blended family or no desire for kids; it’s a minefield! In person, online, office, or friend of a friend – but a prison?! Are inmates the “in” thing nowadays? Yes, I know finding a partner is difficult, there’s opening the floodgates, then there’s having no gates in existence!
I found myself watching an episode of ‘Prison Brides’, and I found myself in such disbelief, my jaw had to relearn how to close itself again. It’s a TV show; based on women getting married, currently married, or planning to marry American convicts. Pretty much all of the women found their partners / fiancés / spouses on http://www.writeaprisoner.com. And no, I’m not advertising on their behalf may I add. In all honesty, I don’t think they need more exposure as pen pals are turning into love birds! No need for pigeon post anymore.
I decided to take a little nosey as I have heard of a prison inmate website years and years ago, but in all honesty, I didn’t think it was so popular. Seeing women fly out there in their white wedding dresses had me feeling all types of ways. Perplexed and beyond curious at how these journeys even began! Pondering, how could you ever find yourself on that site? As I type www. *purely for research purposes, I can confirm I don’t plan on visiting a prison any time soon… I mean ever*.
It’s crazy how accessible it is. Probably easier than dating sites as upon visiting the homepage you already have a slideshow of available bachelors at the ready. I’m sorry, I can’t take myself seriously here. I imagine to write to them, you must have to sign up like any other platform, then your curiosity could turn into a fairytale happily ever after… I can confirm, my curiosity was not that strong, naive, or all right insane!
This made me wonder, how do you even find out what they’re in for, obviously they’re all sentenced prisoners, but there’s a hierarchy I guess? In terms of notoriety etc. But no, it’s all transparent on profiles, release dates, incarceration status, marital status, eye colour, hair colour, sexual orientation. There’s more on there than a tinder profile!
I found myself wondering, is this platform even healthy. Not only for the general public, but for the inmate’s mentality themselves. Let’s take for example, a woman is desperate for fame. Prisoners make headlines dependent on the severity of the crimes. If he’s partaking in a rehabilitation programme for example, the mental instability that a new relationship can bring, especially potential ulterior motives could lead to the worsening state of already the mentally unpredictable in society. This arrangement comes at a price.
Should prisoners be allowed the same freedoms as you and I? Being able to talk to strangers from across the globe, befriend then romantically connect with them, blurs the lines between what justice really is. What is punishment if you’re allowed the opportunity to find love from around the globe and get married? You’re basically starting a fresh and a new life, whilst you’re still realistically serving a sentence in the present day. Should you be allowed to fulfil milestones your victim possibly can’t? Whilst labelling that punishment? If you were present in a courtroom as their sentence is read out, how would you feel if they were pronounced newly married with confetti all around?
I question whether this website should exist. Pen pals, okay if you’re into that. But a platform for dating and potential marriage? The incarcerated do not have the freedom to make a balanced, rational decision. They don’t even have the ability to pursue or experience people they may be interested in, due to the selected choice reliant on whom signs up for this site from the outside world.
The main goal for if and when prisoners are released are giving them the resources and stability to make it unlikely for them to revert back into the world of crime. Marriage is stressful enough for anyone, but someone you married while entrapped, could be seen as exploitation on either side. The chances of divorce for prison weddings are statistically very high, even when released. Who gains from this? Is wedding cake punishment? Or are we setting up the most dangerous in society for failure?
What do you think? Should prisoners be allowed to date and marry behind bars. What should the limitations be? Are the rules too lax? Have you seen show’s based on prisoners wives? Comment below!
Beauty File 
I was curious too about this show, so I watched it, and boy was I shocked at what I saw! It is crazy!
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I’m still speechless by it, just when you thought life couldn’t get more shocking. A legal-binding contract from behind bars? I’m sorry, no🤦♀️. It’s entertaining to watch though🍿👀😂
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I guess you can’t really stop them, but still, kinda weird. I don’t think I would recommend it to a friend. 😕
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It’s beyond peculiar. I’d question their sanity🤔, but what do they say, ‘love makes people do crazy things’… even still!
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Seems a little desperate, but hey, I’ve heard dating is hard these days! LOL
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I know right? It’s hard but I didn’t realise it’s bad enough to turn to death row for a baby daddy…🤔😭 first world problems I guess!
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Haha! Well said.
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I remember years ago, my best friend in University commented to me, “Serial killers in prison seem to have no trouble getting dating offers from women. But you and I do.”
I guess he wasn’t so far off the mark.
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This is so true! The notoriety must be alluring to some, I’ll never understand it🤔
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Your point of view about whether inmates actually deserve to belong in the existing society is well noted.
Your question, “Should prisoners be allowed to date and marry behind bars?” could actually be seen and understood as whether prisoners should be allowed the privilege and the right to feel human.
I suppose you have read the awesome work of Dostoyevsky, *Crime and Punishment*, where he quoted, “The degree of civilization in a society can be judged by entering its prisons.”
This quote elaborates on the importance of looking at how a society treats its criminals to understand its true values and level of compassion. It suggests that a society’s treatment of its prisoners reflects its overall level of humanity and progress.
His quote again states, “The only way to be truly free is to be truly responsible.” These inmates, searching for love in the midst of their horrifying adversity, know that their chances of getting what they desire are very slim, but still, they push.
Finally, he said, “He who has never known great sorrow never knows great joy.”
This quote, while not directly about crime and punishment, speaks to the human condition and the potential for redemption. It suggests that even in the face of suffering, there is the possibility of finding meaning and joy. But it’s left to the outside world to have the willingness to offer the desired individual the chance.
Good post. Well done!
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Hi Stanley! I don’t recall questioning their status in society as that’s something far more extreme. I was rather dubious about whether they should be gifted with the privilege of marriage whilst currently incarcerated. Whether they get married when / if they’re released is a separate conversation as they have their freedom reinstated. Marriage is an aspect of our freedom in civilisation, we can choose who, when and if we get married. It’s not a necessity, rather it’s a gift if you’ve been presented with such a finding, in life.
Being incarcerated, your priorities should differ from those in society. It’s about if you’re able to be rehabilitated, getting on the straight and narrow (depending on crime committed), and establishing what went wrong in your life for you to enable the feeling of remorse that not all may have.
Marriage, weddings, a fantasy does not make everything better or make the past diminish like a bad dream. If anything, it can make pre-existing issues even more prominent due to having additional stresses, strains and expectations that marriage brings.
If a burglar stole for example to provide for himself/herself, surely the focus should be when / if he/she is released, that they can provide for themselves solely, without thinking of another mouth to feed? That exhibits additional pressure, on an already potentially vulnerable human being.
There’s more than enough time for marriage if you want it enough, I don’t think it should be encouraged from behind bars, especially flourishing from these sites where the aim is usually primarily getting to know possible suitors.
Is dating/marriage a proven rehabilitation method? We’d have to wait for research to arise😂, statistically though, many unfortunately end up in divorce, I think the writing is on the wall for many eventualities.
Loved your quote! And found your insight ever so interesting and thought-provoking!
So glad to hear you enjoyed this post! Thankyou so much for reading and sharing your thoughts, Stanley!!😃🤍
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is there some way to have a relationship first, married once the prison term is done?…living with someone forever in a relationship with someone who’s been a penpal, nah…it’s like that blind date, would you get married the morning after?….I’ve got to re-read the blog, did you mention men becoming pals and then marrying a female convict?….I guess it’d make a great reality program, but in reality…….the jury’s out?
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Antonia, it’s good to see your response to the comment I made on your post. I was beginning to think maybe you were upset by my type of comment, which almost made me start preparing to apologize for it.
I completely understand your plight to the best of my ability on this particular theme.
Meanwhile, the past will never diminish, no matter what, as it is part of the existing traits that forge the bridge of our lives forward. Rather, one can only try to suppress the influence that the past may have on them.
Some of the prisoners who lack the ability for rehabilitation are often hindered by the absence of love, purpose, and something meaningful to give them hope that once their rehabilitation is completed, they will have a place to dwell again. Sometimes, the feeling of rejection and the sense of not being good enough for any decent person in the outside world, weighs them down, causing them to remain in that pit of potentially continuous crime or illegal acts. For this reason, correctional facilities and lawmakers have agreed that a little human hope should be rekindled in them, meaning a sense of purpose should be given to them.
You are welcome. 😊
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Of course not, I like having open conversations, I appreciate your in-depth analysis which gives a different perspective!😊
Possibly, I’d also add to that theory that it’s almost an arrangement, so if they don’t have family to house them upon release, there’s now a resolution to that. Prisoners also know that marriages have certain advantages, in terms of intimacy depending on the state. How can you make an accurate decision, if you’ve realistically been caged for years? Some haven’t even had an adult life on the outside yet, as they’ve grown up within the judicial system.
Many times, this arrangement isn’t feasible for a lifelong marriage, but for a temporary arrangement lasting a few years if you’re lucky, sure. Should the instability be encouraged? In my opinion, no. There’s nothing stopping them from remarrying and divorcing countless times in prison. That’s emotionally exhausting for anyone, never mind vulnerable minds that haven’t matured or possibly experienced freedom. You’re signing a legal binding contract which is meant to be lifelong in captivity.
You’d also question whether that’d be the same person they’d marry if they were granted freedom. After all, if inmates haven’t experienced the grass outside, the grass may well be greener on the other side, which is not a sustainable mindset to have within a marriage.
You’re more than welcome too! And thankyouu for sharing 😃🤍
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Well, both the bound and the free are applicable in making inaccurate decisions. Moreover, marriage is a societal institution and should not be placed inside the colon of civilization, which we think we absolutely have the perfect pattern to play.
Secondly, just as a man who finds himself in the middle of an ocean is in a possible state of drowning, so too is a man who finds himself on the shore in danger of being scavenged by a predator. This is not to say that one is free and sound while the other is dimmed and unhealthy; it means that there’s a force that plays in favor of both: fate. Both the caged and the free are entitled to participate in an institution made by God and not a civilization imposed by man.
If he or she who is caged finds a partner with whom they are in love and decides to take it to another level, who are we to say otherwise to them? What God has joined together, let no man put asunder. If they end up divorcing, it means it just didn’t work out between them, just as it sometimes does in normal institutions. Reading a different meaning into that is not completely necessary.
The foundation of any relationship, including one where one partner is incarcerated, should be built on love, mutual respect, and informed consent. It’s crucial that both individuals are fully aware of the challenges and complexities involved in such a relationship.
There are sick people among free individuals, just as there are sound and healthy inmates among the prisoners. Divorce in marriage is not an act of moral instability; rather, it is part of the evolving process of individuals. The free might encounter as many marital divorces as the so-called caged individuals might have.
So, forgive me, but I would like to ask: Are you married? If yes, please accept my sincere congratulations. If not yet, then I suggest you consider what Nelson Mandela once said: “No one truly knows a nation until one has been inside its jails. A nation should not be judged by how it treats its highest citizens but by how it treats its lowest ones.” Now the question is: Should you and I judge our respective nations by the way they treat and the privileges they offer to the rich and free individuals, despite who they might be, while neglecting the lowest ones, including the so-called caged ones?
And again, he said: “Prison itself is a tremendous education in the need for patience and perseverance. It is, above all, a test of one’s commitment.”
The free sometimes seem to be in the constant habit of hurting the people they love; wishing, desiring, infatuating, and lusting after things they shouldn’t. Meanwhile, in that moment, the caged are already in the process of accessing their inner selves to understand what hurt does to the people they care about so much. They have built that control and understand that reacting will not bring anything good forward. Whether caged or free, we are human, evolving.
Antonia, please can you say, this is a common theme in relationships. People who feel free acting impulsively, driven by their desires, without considering the consequences for those they care about. They might be struggling with self-control, emotional regulation, or simply lack awareness of the impact of their actions. Wishes, desires, infatuations, and lust: These are powerful forces that usually lead them to poor choices, especially when not balanced with self-awareness and restraint. The free might feel overwhelmed by these desires and struggle to navigate them in a healthy way.
While the caged already ventured in the process of introspection and self-understanding. The caged might be more aware of their own limitations and the potential consequences of their actions. They’ve learned from past experiences and developed a stronger sense of self-control.
Understanding the impact of hurt: believe me, this is a crucial step in building healthy relationships. The caged have likely experienced pain themselves and have learned to empathize with the pain they cause others.
Control and understanding are now their watchwords. This is the result of introspection and self-awareness. They have developed the ability to manage their impulses and make choices that are good and healthy in their relationships.
So, here are my questions please: What does it mean to be free? Is it truly freedom if we are constantly hurting those we love?
How does pain shape our understanding of ourselves and our relationships?
Can the free stop being pompous and learn from the caged? Can the caged be allowed to help the free find their way?
Thank you so much for allowing me to comment. 😊
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I respect your views! I think our perspectives on this matter and topics related to this subject differ to varying degrees but that’s the beauty of debate. I see and understand your outlook with the additional statements underlining your points raised above.
We could probably go on and on regarding this subject hehe, but we / I’ll agree to disagree😃.
Thankfully in life, inside and out of imprisonment we’re all entitled to our opinions, which we can only appreciate, vice-versa.
Thankyouu so much to relating to this topic and sharing your stimulating insights, Stanley!🤗🤍
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So, as I respect yours, Antonia, thank you for the post. Now I’ve perceived and understand what some individuals in open society think about life inside tying a knot.
Well done. 😊🤗
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