I love you, you’re my soulmate. But let’s put commitment on the back burner and continue enjoying life together. I’ll make up my mind in my own time, but until then though let’s go on trial period and act like we’re married so we can reap the rewards… Pause, reset, reflect and deliberate. Is this arrangement for me?
Crossed paths. You date. Meet the family. What’s next for us? That’s pretty much it. You’re stagnant until, or should I say if most commonly one party makes the next step. Is that out of touch and outdated? You tend to be on the same page relating to bills, goals, life. So why not align on the theory of commitment? If you’re at a stage where you’re ready to sign a tenancy form or mortgage which is a legal binding contract, what discourages you from further commitment?
In my opinion, they’re still unsure if you’re the one. A lifelong commitment can be daunting if you’re finding that difficult to envision. Many other contracts are for a fixed period, almost fixed term. Whereas marriage is unforeseeable. Forever. There’s no cooling off period or termination clause in case you’re not feeling it. With that being said, if you find love or the love of your life even, is it enough to enjoy the moment? To promise the present and not the future? I think if you take that risk, you can start overcompensating, diluting your needs, resentment could settle in over time. If you’re sexually active, you’re not only potentially playing with fire, but you could be playing with motherhood. That can be one of the loneliest, hardest but joyous roads to experience. You then realise life isn’t so selfish as the wrong partner could make out.
It becomes a unit. But to get there, you jumped a few steps, potentially prematurely, which can leave both parties but especially the woman in a highly vulnerable state of mind and reality. If a baby pair of eyes looking back at you isn’t enough of a realisation reflecting the weight of responsibilities you now face, I don’t know what is.
It’s advisable not to get married just for the sake of the kids. Often, if you don’t make that vow for the right reasons, you can almost feel trapped, pressured or forced into a commitment you didn’t really want to make. But as women, what do we really want? Be honest with yourself.
Take a look all around. Nowadays it’s normalised to be a single parent with a child or children under the age of 5. Trendy even. It tends to be the mother who is the main caregiver, not always but more so. Of course, it could be due to choice, feminism, preferences or simply how the cookie crumbles. So why are so many women still agreeing/actively wanting to get married mentally when they claim it doesn’t validate them or it’s an outdated concept? If so, you have the right to be unmarried, surely?
It’s something called the double bluff. A poker face almost. We have the persona and seem unfazed to commitment or any traditional conventions. I’ve heard in the same sentence “sisters are doing it for themselves” while saying a few days later down the alter, “I promise to devote my life to you”. Did I miss something? They’re two separate signals and outlooks. We’ve become programmed to believe we don’t want a settled life, married with a picket fence. So blasé and standard. I’ll buy, build and paint my own fence! But when one proposes marriage, more often than not women accept their hand, happily. So it’s a woman’s world until a man makes you part of his world?
It’s fairly easy to conceive a child. But if you find yourself on your own, the strain then spreads to society and more commonly than not, support from family, friends, neighbours, your boss (if you can obtain affordable childcare) and authorities. The state doesn’t have the capacity to bridge the middle gap for the soaring single-parenthood rates we’re seeing.
It takes two to tango, but realistically it only takes one to deal with the consequences. Two to seal the deal, one to deliver it. Equality… I guess that’s what it’s marketed as?
Put yourself first. Don’t prove yourself to be worthy of love. If it’s meant to be, you’ll know that quite early on by actions, not words. Second guessing where you’re at or where a partnership is going, isn’t love. Marriage isn’t the only way to prove commitment, but it can bring the most shallow to the surface. We all have different concepts of love, but compatibility comes down to foundations and being aligned. In sync rather. Don’t lose yourself to match someone’s wavelength. Loving yourself will make loving someone else feel even better.
It saddens me that so many women fall into this trap all in the name of love. It’s a lesson we really shouldn’t have to keep repeating and walking blindly into. You’re in control of your own life and destiny, unless pregnancy is planned why are so many unable to create the narrative in their own life? Don’t let other’s write the script, you’re more than just an actor in your motion picture called life.
Don’t roll the closing credits before you’ve even outlined the plot.
What do you think? Do you think single-parenthood is encouraged nowadays? Are people scared of commitment? Are people attracted to an easy, casual life? What’s your take on modern dating / courtship? Comment below!
Beauty File 
Trapped is how I eventually felt during my three marriages. Never again.
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Marriage definitely isn’t for everyone. Or possibly the compatibility component wasn’t there on those occasions?
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I thought we were compatible but no. I enjoy the single life so much!
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You’re right, marriage can clip your wings. Hehe I’m happy you’re embracing the freedom single life can offer!
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Thanks Antonia, me too. 😂❤️
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Relationships are so complicated and varied you will never get a hook on them.
I knew a woman, she was married to a friend of mine and became pregnant, her pregnancy was a terrible ordeal for her having to spend nearly six months in hospital, they had a fine girl. Her husband told me in confidence that she would not let him in her bed again until he had the snip. She feared another pregnancy; I am sure many women in today’s world of insecurity feel that same fear.
I come from a family of five girls + mum so there were always women talking in the home and everyone just ignored me. The day in question the talk between two of my siblings and some of their friends was about their families and pregnancy. One told the group she loved being pregnant but would have been happy to give the child away at birth, she did not like motherhood.
Another told how her husband was in the Royal Navy, and would go away for six months at a time on submarines. One of the others asked if it was like a honeymoon each time he came home – honeymoon its a nightmare, coming home with all his drunken shipmates, taking over the television and disrupting the whole household, we are glad to see the back of him.
I have no idea what it is like to be in a relationship where you as a couple decide to have a child together or the emotions that come with the birth of a child, or the pride you feel in seeing them grow into adults. However I was in a long term relationship with a woman who had two children, a boy and a girl 11 and 9 respectively. When the children grew up and left the nest I was happy that now we could have some time together, just the two of us, get a bit of selfish enjoyment, now that we had some disposable income left over at the end of the month. However it did not last long. The girl first then the boy both became parents and my partner became a Scottish Granny. No room for a drone in the hive, we parted. I have never wanted to make a commitment like that again and I suppose I did push people away when we were getting too cosy, now I’m at an age where I’m indifferent, and there is a sort of comfort in that.
In the movie Good Will Hunting, Will Hunting (Matt Damon) starts to have feelings for Skylar (Minnie Driver) but frightened of commitment – he asks Sean Maquire (Robin Willams) “How did you know that she was the one” meaning his wife. Sean tells him there is no right or wrong, only that you are right for each other. And maybe that’s it, if you are right for each other, no matter the circumstances, children, or no children you will work it out as you go along.
My mother and father married in 1925 and lived together until dad died in 1983 – I know they had rough times and good times throughout their marriage, but years would have smoothed the rough edges, like a pebble in a river. And I also know that something inside her, a spirit or whatever left with his demise.
I was sitting in the house one day when my aunt arrived (my mothers younger sister) her husband had been discharged from the hospital and admitted to a care home. Mum had asked, could he not have come home? Her sister answered – I was not going to sit looking at a wheelchair. Mum retorted – better looking at a wheelchair than an empty chair.
I have been flying solo for so long now I believe I would find it difficult in a relationship. When I am out and about, in a pub or café and see lonely old people simply “Waiting for God” I think of this Emily Dickinson poem
They may not need me – yet they might,
I’ll let my Heart be just in sight,
A smile so small as mine might be,
Precisely their necessity
Emily Dickinson (and Walter Hamilton)
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So sorry to hear about the lady who was married to your friend, her pregnancy sounds quite traumatic and hope all is well with her now🙏, happy to hear they had a healthy girl😊. Wow, that’s such an interesting predicament, possibly not a decision someone should make for another human being? It’s not an easy choice to make, being pressured into it can lead to resentment and regret.
Wow, a woman you overheard said she would’ve been happy to give the child away? That’s quite shocking, potentially she suffered from postpartum depression, or emotional instability from childbearing?
Another scenario where a husband is working away can be problematic as it’s not the ‘normal’ projected marital setup, so maybe that was her way of coping with it! And people can change when they work away in the special forces they see and experience things that others would find difficult to relate to.
I’m sorry to hear that, it’s sadly common that women tend to prioritise their kids, so much so that any relationship or marriage is almost on the back burner or part-time to when they can fit it in. Their partners usually can’t wait for the kids to move out but even when they do, it’s almost temporary as the partner is simply just filling a void. When grandkids come along you revisit the feeling of being sidelined, ignored like you only exist as an afterthought, then you realise life is too short for this. You could be happier single or the right person would make time for you and not make you question what / if there’s a role for you in their life.
Aww wow, that’s a great quote which I’ll probably take for myself haha! It’s so accurate.
That’s an incredibly long marriage, so lucky to have witnessed that union I’m sure. The loss of a partner that’s been a huge part of your life for decades can leave a hole in your heart. You’d have to relearn who you are to somewhat cope without your spouse. But it’d never be the exact same; I’m sorry to hear that she wasn’t herself afterwards.
Wow, those are such powerful words, reflecting her inner feelings or portrayal of the present day.
Being in a relationship or marriage doesn’t suit everyone, especially if you don’t feel fulfilled. But sometimes love comes when you least expect it, even if that’s in the form of friendship or companionship. Our view on romance naturally changes / evolves over time, we may find a similar contentment in hobbies, family or friendship even.
Such a wonderful poem🥹🙏.
Thankyouu for sharing such an in-depth insight, you’ve made my day honestly!
Sadness, happiness, reality, yearning, hope and everything in between.
Thankyouu for such intricate detail and sincerity🤗🙏🤍
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Single parenthood is an increasingly common reality in many modern societies, and this is due to various factors. In many cases, it is not so much that it is actively encouraged, but that life circumstances, such as divorce, separation or the decision to have children without a partner, lead to this situation. Additionally, fear of commitment is a valid concern today, as many people prefer to maintain their independence and avoid the complications that can arise in a long-term relationship. When it comes to modern dating and courtship, digital apps and platforms have significantly transformed the way people meet and relate to each other. This has made it easier to access potential partners, but it has also led to a culture of quick and superficial hookups, where some may be more attracted to casual, less committed relationships. However, this does not mean that everyone seeks an easy life; Many people still deeply value commitment and seek meaningful, long-lasting relationships.
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100%! There are many reasons as you have mentioned, one is the repetitive swipe mentality. Lines are definitely blurred between desire, lust and reality. If your partner equates you to a LED screen of ‘potentials’, it’s already doomed – never mind bring children into the narrative. You’re right, hookups are prioritised and the preferred option for many nowadays, where does childbearing fit in? It’s a fleeting thought, nothing more nothing less. Blended families are normalised due to the inability to stay together. Of course many partnerships don’t work out for numerous reasons, but more often than not the contemplation of ‘is the grass greener’ has entered at least one parties mind. Partnerships are routinely a temporary, replaceable fixture, not permanent. More singletons are carrying baggage from previous dalliances or situations due to the inability or fear mongering surrounding commitment. Like a lottery rollover you didn’t attend to.
Thankyouu so much for sharing your enlightening insight, Lincol🤗🤍
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I could probably give a very long explanation of the various pitfalls I believe people have in terms of romantic relationships, but honestly, a lot of the pitfalls I would describe just come down to being rational, analytical, and well organized in a way a lot of people don’t seem to be when it comes to love, connections, or emotions. Nothing I’ve thought of is, in my opinion, beyond most people, it just comes down being logical and analyzing things by asking questions like “What is the most ideal way to get to know this person in terms of both positive and negative traits? Why does this method have more benefits over this method?” Most people seem to just go in and naturally interact with others without doing all of the aforementioned mental analysis of others, themself, or relationships in general beyond pretty broad and vague ideas. With it, at most, seemingly coming down to “I don’t like that”, or, “I like that”, when it comes to analyze the other person’s behavior.
When it comes to most of my own bonds or connections with others I analyze and figure out whether or not they’re worth approaching, and my strategy for doing so. I don’t just say, “Hey, I’m Lore. What’s your name, and how are you?” then small talk about my interests from there. From what I recall, most of my actions are calculated, even seemingly innocuous ones. I even have questions that aren’t just small talk questions prepared to offer me insight into who someone might be and how beneficial or deleterious they could be as a friend. Not just, do you have money, or a job, questions that are crafted in an effort to gain insight into who they are as a person, not simply their interests.
But of course, most people might find that process miserable in the short-term in spite of the potential benefits in the long-term. Assuming I’m not simply being an idiot at the moment, which is a distinct possibility. Regardless, thinking to that extent in the now might save you time when it comes to bad or lacking connections later on, having long term benefits in spite of the short term work you’d probably have to do. As a result, I recall operating in that capacity since long ago, continuing to this day. So usually, I don’t think I fall for those pitfalls, and I quit when I see the seemingly innocuous red flags as a result of my analyses.
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Of course, I do agree analysis is key. Many focus on either surface-level topics which amount to absolutely nothing or cut straight to the chase with interview questions which can lead to blunt replies that just fill-in the basic blanks. Getting to know someone deeply takes time, interest and patience; the latter commonly lacks due to the fast-paced world we live in which has a knock-on effect in regard to interest. Then you create an idealistic version of the person you’re with, while romanticising a picture-perfect family unit. Bringing a child into an unstable unit will bring the cold reality to the surface as you’re no longer able to control the viewpoint through rose-tinted glasses, when you’re operating on sleep deprivation. You’re then faced with what some would deem an impossible decision to make – what do I want out of life? Do I feel fulfilled? Is this what I wanted? Do I feel content or resentful of the direction my life has taken? You realise the analysis is parallel to the beginning. Life is like a roundabout, it comes right back around unless you acknowledge there are other exits you may have been blinded to prior.
Once you understand yourself, it makes it far easier to understand and analyse everyone around you.
Thankyouu so much for your enlightening insight, Lore😊
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You know what, we think too much these days. Life is better when we have a plan but then act on impulse.
There’s no point in being with someone if there isn’t an end goal. If you don’t want a family with them then they’re the wrong person for you. If you both don’t want children and so on then that’s fine.
It was better in the old days, when love was commitment.
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