My Untraceable Father

I can’t put a tracker on an invisible man.

It’s a wound that I band-aid, but it still remains deeply open.

You may have noticed that I haven’t been that active on here recently. I’ve wanted to be, but I just haven’t had the mindset to write or blog. I haven’t really had the mindset for anything. As you’ve gathered by the title, it’s because I was trying to find my father.

Now, I’ve tried to do this many times since I was around 11 years old, with no success. So sometimes I take it up, hoping it goes somewhere, but knowing deep down it probably won’t, as everything else has failed.

Antonia Dale (me)
Antonia Dale (me)

I’ve even got a researcher involved this time, and I initiated this search around 3 months ago now. But these things take time, if anything even amounts, so I just carried on with everyday life. Around 3 weeks ago, I thought I was really getting somewhere, I almost found it hard to comprehend that his existence may even be a possibility.

Even though I know he’s a person, the last time I saw him was aged 2, I have no photos or anything, so I don’t have any recollection. It’s really like searching for the unknown, even though he knows I’m out there.

So when I felt like this recent search had it’s biggest break in forever, I still tried to keep very composed as I know usually, it doesn’t lead anywhere. But even a few people around me were quite sure it’s the guy, I started believing, oh maybe it is. Certain things matched up, other things didn’t.

I was very much in two minds, but obviously hoping for the best inside.

Father, Daughter. Holding Hands

Now, it feels like I’ve hit a wall. Such a wall that it’s almost impossible to knock down or get past. It feels like the possibility of maybe finding my father is slipping away again and there’s nothing I can do. I try chiseling, at the wall, but no amount is enough, or even making the slightest difference.

Emotionally for me, it’s been a rollercoaster. I always get emotional on the topic, so I normally just talk about something else, or think about it for a bit, try some searches, then put it towards the back of my mind as much as I can.

This time, it feels like I’ve been close, but so far away. I’m on one side of the wall, and he’s on the other. My emotions automatically were thinking what if? For the first time in forever, when usually there is no hope left in me.

Mentally, I feel broken. I’ve had bad depression etc in the past and try to put a lid on that so most days are okay and better than before. But since this recent ‘search’, I can’t explain the void I feel. It’s more than depression, it’s like emptiness. Loneliness. Non-existent. Just in a low mood. I try and act “normal” and in some moments I’m okay, but mostly, my mind is just in a certain place it hasn’t been in before, even in my pasts worst times.

When I was really young, I used to see all my siblings either have the chance to have their father involved one way or the other. So even at that age I felt alone and ostracized and thought to myself, “oh he’ll send me a letter or something at some point”. Then as the years grew it’ be, “oh he’s waiting for me to turn 16 so then he’ll be able to see me, as I’m above age to make decisions”. Then when I turned 16, the thought process would roll onto 18, then when I surpassed that age without hearing anything, it’d be 21.

Then when 21 comes, you think, “oh maybe it really isn’t going to happen. Is he dead? He know’s he has a daughter, why hasn’t he tried to find me?”. And I can’t answer it.

Depression. Alone. Girl.

Does it get easier as you grow older? The answer to that is no. I can only speak for myself, but every time you think about significant life events like your wedding or the birth of your child, you’re reminded he won’t be there. Not having a father or even grandfather to maybe even try and fill that empty space, makes it even harder. It makes it even more realistic that he’s nowhere to be seen. You even begin to think you’re irrational for even thinking you should have a father, and maybe that term is just a figment of your imagination.

Not having an option sucks, more than anything I can describe. Not having any closure. Not having an image of your father to fill the blank canvas I have in my head. It’s like living a nightmare for your whole life.

What makes it worse, is when you know so much about your mother’s side of family, so much so, you don’t even want to hear anymore. And you lose interest. As the scale is completely imbalanced, and there’s no weight at all on my fathers side. I know basically 0 about him or them. So in my mind, it gets kind of pointless to know virtually everyone on my mothers family tree, and have a clean, empty other side.

Mentally, it feels imbalanced.

I don’t feel at peace.

I feel like people are purposefully stepping on my hope to find him constantly, hoping I forget half of me ever existed.

How can that be?

What are you hiding?

It’s mental torture. Everything’s stuck in my head, unable to be freed.

Living a life, pretending that your daughter doesn’t exist, and making no attempt to make contact. It’s unimaginable, and will follow you to your grave.

It’s one of the worst things you can do in life.

Would you have cared if I died?

Probably not.

How can you sleep knowing you or your children may have walked past me in the street?

The best thing I’ve heard to date, is that you may have been living literally only round the corner from me. Lying that you lived in another city. If that is you… I’m sure you can fill in the blank.

To anyone reading this, I’m sorry I haven’t been as active on here. I try and post as much as I can, and will continue to do that. I just may not be as regular, but I will try my upmost. I hope this explains as to why I’ve been a bit vacant.

Antonia x

Love Book

51 thoughts on “My Untraceable Father

  1. I searched for my Grandfather for 60 years before finding him, long after his death, and the death of my father. I found him before DNA databases were available. With DNA, I would have found him very easily. Good luck, keep looking, and of there is anything I can help you with, just ask.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wow! I imagine it must’ve put your mind at ease to a certain extent.
      I’ve tried all the well known DNA websites, and I haven’t really had any close matches on his side. And when I do contact them, they don’t seem to be that helpful or wanting to give information that could be vital.
      Thankyouu so much!😌

      Like

  2. Antonia, thank you for sharing your heart. This must be a tough thing you have had to live with, but it has made you so strong in a beautiful vulnerable way. I respect you so much for it. For the future, I wish you hope. And for your heart, I offer a virtual hug. Remind yourself always that there are those who do care about you deeply. ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Never succumb to despair and lose hope. We all have a heavenly Father revealed to us by Jesus. Turn to Him in those moments of emptiness and trust Him despite the circumstances. Our heavenly Father knows all our wants and needs and always provides in our best spiritual interest. He is always present with us even when He seems far away and unattentive.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Dear Antonia I understand depression because I live with it. I prayed for you today. You are precious to God. Jesus loves you so much. I would like to share this song with you. It has helped me in times of depression and despair.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Oh, Antonia, your words are sadly eloquent. More like heart-wrenching, actually.

    As you observed, you’re missing out not only on your father, but on his whole family. How could he do what he did? They, too. How could they, to a person, fail to connect with their granddaughter, their niece, or their best friend’s kid?

    Empty banalities are just that, empty. You hardly need more of them right now. Someday, one way or another, you’ll have an answer, and you’ve done everything you can in the meantime. Cold comfort perhaps. but there is that, and you never will regret trying. Besides, none of us knows where all of this will lead someday.

    Wish I could offer more than just vicarious support, but I only can imagine how you’re feeling. My experience was quite different, but that doesn’t prevent your case from stirring my heart too. All will be revealed and healed in the fullness of time, and until then we make our journeys and resolve those in our lives never will endure what we did..

    Liked by 3 people

    1. It’s unimaginable. I’m not sure if the members of his family know about me, I can’t imagine so. I imagine he’d have kept it secret, so until I know, I guess I can’t hold them in the same light as him, in his decisions.

      Your support means so much and feeling as though some people can hear my pain, it does help.

      Thankyou so much, your heartfelt words never go unnoticed🙏😌

      Liked by 1 person

  6. My heart breaks open for you. Seeing the beautiful child you were is such a gift. So much love and so full of light. Your eyes sparkle in that picture. It is maddening, sad and so unfair you have had to go through your life searching for your father to reclaim a part of yourself and feel worthy. I truly am sorry you have to experience this and your search has been unsuccessful. I know the pain of divorce and wishing my father was available to me when I was growing up and the need to have that approval. All I can tell you, is it isn’t you, you did nothing wrong, this is his issue which I’m sure doesn’t help but it’s true. We have no idea where he is and if he is worthy of your attention or would hurt you more if he is alive. There may be a reason people are trying to protect you from him. I don’t know but I too know people have found there fathers with all of the testing and support we have access to now. Keep the faith and search but I will tell you to NEVER blame yourself. This is not your fault. You are love and loved by others that deserve your heart. Keep writing and take impeccable care of you. Find a network of support through groups etc. Blessings and virtual hugs to you. You are a beautiful being and write the story you would like as you move forward in life. Stay Strong!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your support means more than I could describe and your words are so powerful, that they’re helping keeping my strengths up through this time.
      It sounds like you also have been through tough times so I imagine you know first hand, how to cope and manage a whirlwind of emotions.
      Thankyou so much for hearing my story and showing me compassion, Cindy😌🙏

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are so welcome Antonia! I have many family members I can’t help due to mental health issues etc which is very sad and heartbreaking. I too have “eaten shit and died” but am here to talk about it. I am so grateful my words are helping you find strength and you are using them to lift you up and cope. I have learned over the years that it is up to people to reach out and take the bull by the horns to create their own life. Unfortunately, too many people choose to be victims and keep their story as a mantra that keeps them stuck. Keep your chin up and moving forward as you peel back the onion skin to see your beautiful soul that is deserving of all of the love you can imagaine. Lots of love and energy, as you face each day stronger and happier❣️

        Like

  7. Antonia, I am sorry for your pain. Now you have given me something to write about. We will never know the reason one person does what they do and it can drive us crazy trying to figure it out. We never know another person’s pain, guilt or suffering. So many without fathers, so many with fathers yet they abuse or reject or are work-a-holics. But there are good fathers too Antonia. You will know the rest of the story when you get to heaven to be with your Father in Heaven who knew you before you were knitted in your mother’s womb. Talk to him about your pain….he is listening and has watched you grow all your life! He already knows what you will do or say tomorrow. He catches all your tears. He loves you deeply and you are in his perfect plan. Your pain and suffering has already helped someone today.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I am sorry for the weight you’re living with. These things tend make you stronger and more faithful. I hope you don’t give. In this world, anything is possible.
    Have a nice day❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It definitely has made me stronger, but in ways it can release emotions I’ve never felt before, so it can be oddly contrasting.
      I won’t give up, and you’re so correct, anything is possible.
      Thankyou so much for your support😌🙏

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I am so soft that you feel this way. They way you expressed yourself in the post, I think i can feel every ounce of pain. I pray that soon than later this void is filled * sending a virtual hug your way all the way from Grenada)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thankyou so much Greta, for having me in your prayers and listening to my pain. I hope so too. Aww thankyouu so much, I can feel the love all the way from here🤗🙏😌

      Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m so sorry for all you’re going through. It’s so hard to imagine how a person can just disappear like that, and from their own child. I hope you’re able to find some sense of peace. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It’s unimaginable, and quite a hard pill to swallow. What’s harder is that you can’t even translate some of this pain to the person that’s caused it, as they aren’t even there.
      Thankyou so much Christi for your support and I hope so too❤️🙏😌

      Liked by 1 person

  11. I’m so sorry for all you’re going through. It’s so hard to imagine how a person can just disappear like that, and from their own child. I hope you’re able to find some sense of peace. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I wish I could protect you, sweet child, as do all these folks here. I always dreamed of being an orphan adopted by kind and gentle people. Perversely, I still love the broken people who begot me.
    Before he passed, my uncle apologized for not rescuing me. I told him there was no rescue possible from the way you are born. I am grateful for the depth of compassion it taught me.
    I so wish I could rescue you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your words are deeply written and resonate with me. It sounds like you’ve been through quite a lot also, and I hope you’ve healed as much as you can from wounding experiences.
      Thankyou so much for your support😌🙏

      Like

  13. Information technology is changing so fast these days, and will only continue. If you persist, the day is going to come when you do indeed find out who he is.

    As you wait for that day to come, don’t forget to use the time to prepare yourself. You surely want to know why he would step out of your life like he did, but is there a reason he could give you that wouldn’t feel like he was protecting himself at your expense? Unless he died shortly after you saw him last, it seems to me it would have to be a pretty dramatic reason to feel like he was justified for vanishing on you like he did. I’m talking about something like an amnesia, witness protection program, or third world prison-level kind of reason!

    I was very moved by your story–your eagerness to find him comes through in your effective writing! As a dad myself, I just can’t imagine there’s much of a chance he’ll give you a good reason for leaving. It’ll probably be a reason that seemed good for him, but not for you.

    So, please be prepared to forgive–not because he deserves it or will even ask for it someday, but because forgiving is the first step for an injured person’s journey to healing.

    Forgiveness is costly to the forgiver. It’s costly because it means deciding to forfeit the right to ask for anything from the injurer. When we’ve clung to that right as our source for hope for so long, it seems unimaginable to live without it and voluntarily give it up. It hurts, but unfortunately, we never replace that hope with something truly hopeful until we pay that cost.

    Once we do, we can begin to give purpose to the pain we’ve gone through by using our experience to serve others. We ultimately find hope in letting our story give hope to others. From reading your words, it’s clear you’re already well on your way. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thankyou very much Matt, for your moving words. You’re so accurate. Forgiveness is key, but a main factor of forgiveness is locating the person out there. That’s the hardest part, especially when they know they have a daughter out there.

      Your words have strengthened the hope in me, thankyou so much for that!😌🙏 Your support is invaluable🙏

      Liked by 1 person

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