You commit the rest of your life to each other, only to be strangers balancing between love and hate. Are you ever the same or does it cause long-lasting, unforeseen damage? *Disclaimer: Opinions expressed are my own*.
Happiness. Bliss. Love. Like the opening scene of your own fairly tale. We tend to picture marriage in white naive innocence, remember the day, as it’ll be the best day of your life that signifies your undisputed connection with your soulmate. Your better half.
When that changes, you’re left questioning what did I miss? I believed in something that didn’t truly exist, or it existed for a defined period of time. You’re left shaking the snow globe, that was your life as you remember it like time’s paused. Life moves on, but your mind often has a habit of recalling the best parts in the immediate aftermath, almost doubting the reality of today’s current affairs. Suppressor or oppressor; times a healer, or can unresolved suppressed emotions simmer for eternity?
Do you heal fully, or move on with your life as you know it with a new, modified persona?
You’ve reattached your once broken wings ready to fly, but is it sustainable?
I think how genders operate during the transition and aftermath differs dramatically. One focal reason: biology.
Women tend to have a biological clock to be somewhat mindful of if they long for the prospect of a child, or more children. Healing is streamlined, fast tracked almost. Not by choice, nature.
I’ve taken note of how both men and women navigate divorce and the finished product. Outcome. How it may typically positively or negatively impact their life and if there’s ever a way to have a factory reset? A full detox and erase all the data and past.
Women tend to be (not always) more emotionally and somewhat mentally resilient/prepared. Yes, mini breakdowns and may even go into hibernation for however long, but it’s all part of the healing process then you move on with your life.
Men can often think once you’re married, that’s it, sit back and the hard part is over with. Romance is reduced to non-existent while thinking buying their wife a vacuum for their birthday or Christmas present is a grand, selfless gesture. Men can often be practical thinkers, the grey area of compromise and emotional intelligence can be on the back burner here and there. Overtime, this could fester unknowingly leading to hairline cracks becoming fractures in the union.
Divorce rates are unfortunately very high due to a variety of reasons. Incompatibility, background, instabilities whether that be mental or financial and most of all, emotional.
Interestingly enough, 70% of divorces are initiated by women. In my evaluation of gender differences, potentially due to the the statistics that men may be shocked at the filing or possibly aware but not onboard with it, these emotions can brew thereafter. Which runs the risk of any hopeful romantic life in the future, being shunned in a cynical way. Women statistically remarry and seemingly find it easier to keep it moving, whereas men can be stagnant. Like the cassette has run out of tape, so you just replay what you have at your disposal. Almost like a neodymium magnet fused to the past, unable to detach.
Human beings tend to say what society wants to hear, no matter who you are. Where the similarities end, is that women (not all) tend to erase their past, memories keepsakes due to the want/need to emotionally detach at the earliest opportunity. For example, who tends to act out by throwing clothes out of the window or cutting them up? Nine times out of ten, it’s women. It’s an emotional, immediate outburst – wrongfully of course, but nonetheless, it’s usually the immediate aftermath. Not five, ten years down the line, it’s old news then.
Men, tend to stew on things. Even if they were the ones that initiated the divorce, on some occasions they look back with “what ifs” or “the one that got away” or “I should’ve done more in the marriage”. Possibly even vengeful, payback to show them what their ex is missing. The “show them what they’re missing mentality”, expresses that there’s care and concern. It’s complex, as then it’s almost forever mourning. You hear of “first wife syndrome”, but not so commonly “first husband syndrome”. Why is that?
Men can sometimes facilitate the emotional and physical hierarchy of a first wife. The one they were destined to be with. And when learning more about this subject, my evaluation is they don’t often entirely move on. They may still have an old wedding gift, photos, objects even like an old, fragile dining table that has no functionality anymore due to wear and tear, creating fragments overtime. An antique with no value, other than mentally. Reacting to the faintest applied pressure like jenga. But the usage isn’t significant, it’s the meaning behind it. Artefacts can be some of the hardest things to let go, as it’s the final door being firmly closed to the past. What then remains? Only the present and future. You acknowledge the finality of the ending, as you’re unable to restore what no longer remains. That can be a daunting prospect!
You live, breathe and proceed with life. But inside, the eyes and soul are blank, as though the train departed with no return back.
Divorce doesn’t ruin everyone. But if you lack the ability to emotionally evolve, mature and practice resilience, it can define you until your last breath.
What do you think? What’s your experience with divorce? Have you noticed differences in how men and women deal with it? Are you ever the same again? Or are you a new, better or potentially worse version of yourself? Do you believe in divorce? Have you witnessed divorce from afar? Comment below!
Beauty File 
This topic hits home very hard for me, Antonia. I am three-times divorced, almost 64 years young and will never marry again. I am afraid of being screwed over again, not to say that I didn’t do anything wrong.
I sure did! It’s been 9 years since the last divorce and I have yet to try dating. I have come to enjoy my single life very much too, so things have been pretty good so why do anything to screw up a good thing? It’s confusing… 😂
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This is why I appreciate your standpoint so much, as you’ve taken the time to come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for you, personally. I think many people don’t understand themselves, divorcees are a different ballgame, that’s relating to both men and women.
As divorce can be such an intense, life-changing decision and experience with lasting effects, I think therapy should be recommended more to those either currently going through the legal process or even if it’s a year, two, ten or however many years after. There’s no cut-off point. As I think it could help people understand not only themselves, but working through the mental Pandora’s box that tends to remain, in immaculate condition. Divorce can be traumatic and for that to not be addressed when looking for a romantic partner could just lead to a never-ending snow ball effect. I’ve seen and heard some women who tend to want to repeat old habits, unable to look at their own life with a wide-angle lens and take accountability and on the flip side, men who may look for a carbon copy of their past, while old family portraits remain depicting life as they knew it.
Unless you learn how to healthily detach from the past, it will continue to haunt your future.
I find it so interesting talking about the divorcee topic, as I do believe it’s quite common for divorcees to still actively believe in happily ever after’s but don’t know how to get there due to the never-ending cycle of effects.
I imagine you’ve probably had enough of marriage to last a lifetime or two!😂🤍 You’ve seen it, heard it all! I think I would’ve been exhausted emotionally after the second divorce😭! It’s a very enlightening topic as divorce is sadly all too common nowadays, it’s still a taboo subject due to many reasons like unwelcome judgement I guess.
Thankyouu so much for sharing your insight as always, John!😊🤍
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You are welcome, Antonia. You hit the nail on the head as we say with your comments. It’s a Pandora’s box alright, the memories can be difficult to handle, I feel as though I need to remain a single man so that I do not inflict any bad memories on a new “her”. That’s totally unfair and very wrong. The flip side is that I have come to love the single life and will stay single. I hope this makes sense, Antonia. 🫣
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Hello thanks for your visit and like my blog. Having a day⛅️🍃
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Interesting approach to the topic. I have no personal experience with divorce, so I’m not equipped to comment.
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Without going into any depth I like the response from Frances (Diane Lane) in Under the Tuscan Sun. Frances has gone through a terrible divorce, she plunges herself into a new life in Tuscany, she is at a low point and she said – you know what is strange about divorce is it doesn’t kill you, it should be like a bullet to the heart….. Why would I go and buy a house in a strange country, I am living in a house that I don’t have a life for. “What do you want?” She is asked by Martini (played by Vincent Riotta) – She replies I want a wedding in this house; I want a family in this house. In reply, Martini tells her of the Sennical Railway – it passes over a very difficult part of the Alps between Italy and Austria – they built the railway even before they had a train that could make the journey they knew the train would come so they built the railway anyway. “Divorce does not kill you.”
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Wow those words are incredibly powerful and you’re right, it doesn’t kill you, the experience will always be with you and have long-lasting effects due to the abrupt change in life events but there’s always light at the end of the tunnel.
What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger as they say.💪🙏
Thankyouu so much for sharing and using such a great, accurate and honest reference!😃🤍
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I am divorced. It was hard even though when I finally got to this decision it was a huge relief. We struggled in relationship for over 2 years in huge crisis. I decided I do needed to leave during my 3 years therapy. My ex probably would never decide to divorce me. We would just suffer and drown in bitterness for years. It was a very brave and mature decision I think now after over 5 years since that. I moved on. I have a great life, I became self sufficient. I found love. But.. I would never marry again. I want my partner to chose me every day. I don’t need any paper for that. And …. I would never want to go through divorce ever again. By the way – with time .. anger towards my ex faded. I am okaish with him now, we can talk about practicals if needed. I am happy.
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Yes, I completely get this. Sometimes couples get used to a mutual misery which is like a safety blanket. Despair can be all too consuming; a permanent lull.
I’ve always found it so interesting how some couples who are common-law partners, can stay together for much longer / lifelong without the necessity for marriage whereas married couples can sometimes struggle to make it past the first year mark. What marriage takes away, is the feeling that your partner is still actively choosing to be with you and isn’t contractually obliged, which can enable unhappiness and resentment to linger and grow due to the lack of choice.
That must be an assuring feeling like none other that your partner could walk out the door one day and not come back, but chooses not to because they love you. Not because of a fear of divorce proceedings or the formalities that come with that.
Aww I’m happy that you’ve found happiness and love again and most of all, learnt more about yourself with your independence, offering a sense of liberation like none other. Amicable is always preferred, life is too short.
Thankyouu so much for sharing such insight into your life with your first-hand experience, Anya!😃🤍
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I got married when I was 20 years old and We were married for almost 9 years. Although we didn’t last it was one of the best experiences of my life and I would definitely get married again. My divorce was very rough and it was such a terrible experience but it didn’t ruin me. I still Believe in love and I’m a hopeless romantic. The next time I will be more cautious and make sure when I say I do is going to be for the rest of my life. That’s why I’ve been single for such a long time. I’m not getting a divorce a 2nd time
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Wow, I’m sure it taught you so much; life lessons you can’t buy!
Aw I’m happy to hear you recount some of the happiest moments in your life and it’s not discouraged or tainted the prospect of remarrying in the future. We all deserve true love and not settling for anything short of our destiny. Listening to your intuition will eradicate the rose-tinted glasses we all have a tendency to prioritise in observation.
Being single is underrated, I’d rather be single than coupled up with someone for the short-term due to lack of compatibility. Self-love is key to healing and loving yourself, the right person will simply complement that.
Thankyouu so much for sharing your experience with undisputed honesty and transparency!😃🤍
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